OT: Dealing With Loss of a Loved One
Fellow MGoFriends,
A little over 2 weeks ago I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. He was 33 years old and died due to liver failure from too many years of excessive drinking and drug use.
This guy was easily the most talented (artistically speaking) person I've ever met. Incredible tattoo artist and an amazing painter. I've had a painting he painted for me hanging on my wall in my bedroom for about 4 years now.
He was also way too goddamn smart to die like he did. Basically he killed himself.
I've s pent the last couple of weeks moping around not really sure how to cope with the grief. That's part of the reason I'm posting this now. Putting things in to words seems to make me feel better.
If you have a loved one who has a problem with addiction, talk to them, let them know that you love them. Let them know that you will have their back no matter what. Mostly let them know that they aren't alone.
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest. If its too much feel free to delete it.
Its never too late, as long as you're breathing you can give it up.
I've never been addicted to anything other than Nicotine and Caffeine, but I use a lot of different mind altering substances. Not that that makes me any kind of expert, but I've seen a lot of friends struggle with addiction.
Its not too late.
Until it is too late.
Find something else to fill that hole that you're trying to fill with booze.
EDIT: Sorry I read your other post saying you'd been sober since October after I had already written this. Keep doing whatever it is you're doing. If you ever need anything I would be more than happy to exchange contact information.
Thanks for sharing this - I bet you'll positively affect someone else's life by sharing this today. And I'm sure it was simultaneously hard yet relieving to give your story regarding dealing with alcoholism. Hats off to you sir!!
But you were still offsides.
Way to go, Rudy. You hang tough with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.
no, and honestly I haven't even thought about it.
I'm okay, I've been sad as I've ever been in my life for the last couple of weeks but they say Time heals all wounds or something...
One good thing that happened as a result of his passing, was I was able to reconnect with a bunch of people that I had lost touch with. We were all really close (in fact there was a time in my early 20's when there was like 6 of us staying in this little shitty two bedroom apt.
Over the years I had lost touch with most of those guys, the only one who stayed constant was the guy who passed away. But since he died, I've been able to sit down and have long heart felt talks with the rest of those guys.
We all decided that we missed those days, and all need to do a much better job staying in touch with one another.
Time just makes the pain easier to bear.
I've been through loss, not like yours, but I do fully know what it's like to lose someone close to you (my ex-wife and I lost two infants). Understand, the grieving process is unique to everyone. We're all different, and we all go through differnt thoughts, feelings, emotions...all of it. Whatever you feel is perfectly normal for you. Embrace it and give yourself the time you need.
THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT. I can't stress that enough. It's been just over 10 years since my son was still born, and I still have moments where it hurts as bad as that first moment when the doctor told us his heartbeat was gone. Don't let anyone tell you different.
On counseling. I've been through various programs. I strongly encourage you to look into it. If you don't like full blown sessions with a doctor, you might try a support group. If you call a help line and explain what happened, they can probably recommend a group near you of people who have also lost close friends to addiction. Those give you people to talk with who can share experiences to help you feel like you're not alone.
Above all, don't wait too long. Don't let your grief turn into depression. That can lead to bad things.
Good on the tattoos. I have 3 memorial tattoos for my kids, and I love them. Having that permanent rememberance of them helps.
My sincerest condolences Darker Blue.
I am relatively lucky, since I have only lost my father. It was cancer, it was earlier than it could have been, and I've coped fine.
But there are still moments I grieve intensely. They are more spaced out, but they come. As they will with everyone.
Just as addiction is stigmatized, so is the need for counseling. Please disregard any judgements from others (and particularly from yourself) about getting help. When I has some counseling, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. A good counseler will help you become aware of the parts of yourself that you wouldn't otherwise access. I would say the same thing about the support you can get from Al Anon. Accept help and don't judge.
As an aside, my problems somehow feel pretty trivial reading this post...
It's been 6 years since I lost my best friend. My Father and I had always had a great father/son relationship but once I got in my twenties it changed to include being best friends as well. We did everything together. We would fish, hunt, go four wheeling and just hang out. I even bought an old house so that the two of us could rennovate it in an effort to spend more time together.
He had kidney failure and required a transplant. My mother was luckily a suitable donor and gave Dad one of hers. It all went well and for about 6 months he did very well. Then during a snow storm he had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Again, everything turned out okay and he waited in hospital unit he could have a test to determine how badly his ateries were blocked.
The night before the test he and I were talking and he was saying how he couldn't wait for spring to go to the camp and fish. He wanted to try fly fishing this year, something he had never done. We were both excited and at the end of our conversation he said, "I feel better than I have in years".
I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him and went home, anxious to hear how his test went. The next morning at 6 am my phone rang and it was my sister. She was crying so hard I couldn't understand what she was saying until she finally stop long enough to get it out. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I collapsed on my bathroom floor and felt as though my entire life was crashing down around me.
Some many things bother me about losing my Father but one of the worst was the fact that he was alone in a hospital when it happened. The fact I wasn't there still haunts me today,.
As far as dealing with it goes...I don't know man. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss him like crazy. When I visit his grave I still find tears running down my face. It's something you never get over, you just learn to cope a little better. Really sorry for your loss my friend.
Your story of your dad being your best friend is really great. I am glad you shared that with us.
I lost my dad 17 years ago this month. it still hurts me.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about him wondering why he isn't with me any more.
Several years ago I realized that he isn't really gone, mom isn't gone either. They are both right in my mirror, I see them all the time. They are in me!
I carry both of them and can see them in my children and grandchildren.
I talk to them in my private moments, I share everything on my mind.
I find that as long as I keep them in my life, they are with me every day.
As long as you keep their memory live, they will never die.
I felt the same way about my dad too as I got older. I lost him in March of 2008 and my mom passed away almost one year to the day later (they were married 61 years and I dont think she wanted live anymore without him). There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think about him.
He shows up in my dreams a lot. I like those dreams.
My mother died in a house fire last November 24th--she was 67 and was just fine when I'd spoken to her 3 days prior. It has been very tough to recover from, but I teach and I write fiction, and continuing to do those things--and do them exceptionally well--has made all the difference in managing the pain of that loss. I loved my mom very much and will always miss her, but life carries on. This site, with our thrills and amusements, has been a fun escape too.
Glad to see another fiction writer on here and glad that it helps you. Keep it up man.
Emotion is a great motivator.
Lost my mom four years ago. It's still with me. Often it's quiet and in the background. Often her rememberance is a very positive thing. But sometimes, surprisingly, it breaks my heart. When I see my kids do something wonderful, I want to share it where her ... things that remind me of my loss of her.
Death is a strange thing. You adapt, but you don't completely move on.
good luck to her Cali.
my sympathy to all of you dealing with recent (or not so recent) losses or health complications for loved ones.
it's just over 20 years ago that my family buried my 35 year old sister who'd suffered a heart attack. at some point during last fall's football season, her absence hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I was thinking about how much she would've loved to go to a game with me at the stadium and how we'd never gotten to do that together (I was in M law school when she died)... whew. anyway, I agree with those who've said keep living and moving forward, but that time doesn't exactly "heal".
Do people love wallowing in misery?
It's almost like it's a contest. When one dope takes a sympathy grab, so many others have theirs to compare--or beat.
We all lose people. It happens. Why post this crap on a sports blog? You that lonely?
And it's not "cathartic" either. It's just plain pathetic.
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I strongly encourage you to find someone close to you that you can really talk about this with. I think it's great that we have a close enough community that posters are showing support, and I'd definitely like to send my condolences as well. I've lost friends to similar circumstances, and it feels like a part of your soul has been stolen from you. In those times, it has made a huge difference to me to have a couple close friends and relatives there for support.
I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling now. I'm glad you're connecting with old friends you shared with him, I think it will help you heal.
Losing friends to such self-destruction is awful. I've had 4 childhood friends commit suicide under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, 3 of them with guns, 2 in a murder suicide pact in high school, 2 in their 40's - depressed, relatively successful middle-aged men who thought they were failures. It will eat at you if you don't find a way to deal with it.
One man's opinion. Both my parents are long dead and my father-in-law died last year. One was sudden and others were hospice - so plenty of time to prepare. All I can suggest is to try to focus on the good times and good memories. Sadness begets more sadness. If when you are feeling down you can bring up a particularily fun, fond and positive memory use that to chase the grief, try to focus on the fun and positive. It works for me.
I really have nothing to offer other than my deepest sympathies to the OP and everyone else in the thread dealing with illness and death.
Let me know if you need someone to make inappropriate and offensive death jokes to lighten the mood. I'm great at that!
There are many nice things about this thread. One of them is having people who generally make cheap jokes for the easy laugh* set that aside for a moment.
Another nice thing about this thread is that people with booze/beer avatars or utterly-inappropriate user names** weighing in. For those new to the board it must be quite a spectacle! But to those of us who have been on the board awhile, it makes perfect sense.
*Looks in mirror, adjusts tie.
**Looks in mirror again, starts to adjust tie, but really - with that dimple - it's just about perfect.
he lived life with enthusiasm unknown to mankind.
My dad was diagnosed with stage one bladder cancer about a year ago, but it seems (for now) he has defeated it. There were four really small tumors found on his bladder - two were malignant and the other two not. It was a simple operation to remove them. Now he goes for checks every so often to make sure it has not returned. After doing some research, bladder cancer is one of the most treatable types (especially if caught early, which is was), so we were all fairly optimistic.
Then about six months back, my mother was diagnosed with stage zero or one (I forget which) skin cancer on her nose. There was this really small (smaller than a pimple) section on the tip of her nose that was cancerous, but that is also a really simply operation. So, it seems (for now) that she is clear of that. Obviously she is doing her checks with doctors every so often, too.
What the hell are the chances of both parents' getting cancer? It's just like a slap to the face. Thankfully they were both caught early and are fairly treatable, but there is always the chance the cancer could come back.
I am here to tell you that the chances of both your parents getting cancer are probably higher that you would ever guess.
How's my family tree looking? Dad (Multiple Myeloma took his life), Mom (numerous minor skin cancers), wife (Breast Cancer), Brother (Kidney Cancer), Sister-In-Law (cervical)
Cancer is all around you, mate. And I despise it.
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There is a lot of research suggesting that over the next 10-15 years medical science will progress to the point that Cancer will no longer be the automatic death sentence it's been in the past. It will be more of a chronic issue people will need to treat for the rest of their lives but won't be what kills them.
I am here to tell you that the chances of both your parents getting cancer are probably higher that you would ever guess.
How's my family tree looking? Dad (Multiple Myeloma took his life), Mom (numerous minor skin cancers), wife (Breast Cancer), Brother (Kidney Cancer), Sister-In-Law (cervical)
Cancer is all around you, mate. And I despise it.
It might not be all that unusual for both parents to get cancer. Both of mine did. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2001 and died 9 months later. She was just 65 years old and otherwise in excellent health. My father survived gall bladder cancer but 10 years after that went into remission he developed stomach cancer. By then altzeimer's was already taking a heavy toll, and we were at a point where he would have had to go to a nursing home. At age 81, it was his time.
Profound condolences DB, you too are not alone.
I am one of the rare individuals who has lost both a child (many years ago) and a parent (last summer). Each loss was profound and life altering. However, some losses are much more difficult, if not impossible, to rationalize.
I have given up asking why. There are no answers. Rather, I have tried to embrace my experiences with those no longer with me with the full intention of taking part of that person with me everywhere I go. This is a process, and not likely for everyone, but it has served me well.
In the short term, words will help and time does aid your healing process. You may never fully come to grips with the timing of your friends passing. Let that fuel your life as it is quite possible your experiences with your friend will provide you with some wisdom that may help change a life in the future. What an awesome tribute that would be.
So sorry to hear about all the loss in this thread.
I've got nothing else. Just feeling for you all. So sad.
My mother passed away at 63 from liver failure due to alcoholism about 4 years ago. Liver failure is a really awful way to die. The pain doesn't ever go away, it just fades from time to time.
My father-in-law has been battling cancer and heart issues for about 10 years now as well and just recently learned his lymphoma has returned.
as loosing a loved one is always tough. This past Tuesday marked the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing and all I can tell you is it never gets easy, but you learn to live with the pain and move foward one day at a time.
You still have a lot to live for in your life and you need to find a way to continue, even if there is a pain in the heart.
I had a rough life growing up and I have lost a few on the way. I have come to realize that "getting over" certain things just doesn't really happen, or at least not in the way it sounds. There is no point when you will wake up and be fine with it. Memories of that person will always sting; what is really depressing is that the memories become less frequent as time passes.
You don't get over tragedies as much as you carry them with you; they can either be a burden or they can inspire you to be more appreciative, revel in the simple joys, and try to make the world a little better.
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Unfortunately as I write this, a fellow Michigan classmate is burying his mother who died six weeks after going to the hospital for what was thought to be severe back pain but ended up being metastasized liver cancer.
To me, the toughest part of dealing with the death of a loved one is the grieving process. In 1999-2000 while I was in my final two years of high school, my family lost a cousin who died in a freak car wreck near Flint and left behind a wife and an infant son and two close family friends (one to Leukemia, one to suicide due to mental illness that he hid very well from almost everyone).
That second-semester junior year was awful as the cousin died just a few weeks into the term and instead of just taking the day off for the funeral and going back to school the next day to eventually flunk an AP Macro Economics exam, I should have just taken the week off to grieve properly. The twat AP Econ teacher didn't help things either as he pretty much told me "too bad" about my circumstances.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone on their losses...cancer sucks. Addiction sucks. Depression sucks.