OT: Dealing With Loss of a Loved One

I hope the community of this blog can help you all deal with your grief and losses. There are a lot of compassionate voices, even in the anonymity of the Internet. Most of us don't know each other personally, but we can empathize and share our support.

Sorry for all the loss and difficulty everyone is going through. Bro hugs for all you guys.

I have found that a five dollar journal from Target and a good pen have helped me through these types of situations. I was hospitalized (mental) for a week when my brother died. I write a few paragraphs a day to document my thoughts. It forces you to address what's going on in your head and calm down enough to write it out. I tried doing this on a computer, but I type so fast that I never really calmed down.

We buried a third football brother from my high school class of 2009 today. All 3 were suicides no one saw coming.

But without those shitty times, we could never know how beautiful life can be. Be sad for as long as you'd like. It's just as natural as being happy. And when something/anything makes you think of your bud, tell somebody/anybody about it. The more people you tell stories about your friend to, the more people will be touched, no matter how small, by him. And he can live on, so to speak. I apologize if that sounds stupid, but I hate death, and that's how I try to beat it.

If anyone is on the fence about talking to/seeing their mother/family this weekend, this thread should be a good reminder to go do it. Even if your family has had issues in the past there is no time like the present to fix them. Having lost all flee grandparents by time I was 11 and my brother my freshman year of college it never gets easier

My dad was murdered on Christmas Eve when I was 8. My sister never recovered.

My sister died of a heroin overdose in 2013. My mom never recovered.

You just do the best you can do and take life one breath at a time most days.  You try to go easy on people and on yourself and you try to love people with all you got.  You do a lot of car crying.  You listen to Springsteen.  A lot.  On days where there are no words, there's aways Springsteen.

Stay in the light, my friends. xo

I went through the same thing when I was 17 with a friend of mine. You never truely get over it but you just have to remember the good things. The best thing to do is write down feelings in a journal and get the emotions out one way or another. I found that to be the best therapy.

those hurt.  like many here, i could list an unfortunate amount of dear ones who passed away, from my mom when we were kids, to guys i worked with in our former line of work, to ones you expect such as grand parents.  i have two things i'd mention that may provide some solace to you:

1.  losing people is like getting a vicious bruise, the worst you ever had.  it hurts like nothing you've ever known, and somehow it actually gets worse for a period of time.   you don't want to use the limb/part that got wacked for a long time.  but what happens is that after a while the bruise doesn't hurt quite as much.  it doesn't throb 24 hours/day, it loses some of it's color.  then one day you'll forget that you had the bruise for a bit, mabye only 15 minutes.  but then you'll forget about another day for hours.  and so on.   you won't ever forget the bruise, you won't forget the hurt, but the sharpness of the pain does dissapate eventually.  hopefully soon for you.

2. life is for the living, get after it.   moping will do no good and your buddy would not want that.  if you are a person of faith there can be substantial help there too.   when i have been faced with these times i worked very hard, and i exercised very hard, and by the time the end of the day came i was tired and slept.  and i did that again and again.  no drugs, no booze.  just hard work and exercise.   

blessings to you down there in cadillac.

XM

This thead is heartbreaking, but I'm glad it was posted.

It's nice to know people are more than avatars sometimes, even though I wish you all would remain nameless and happy instead.

Thank you for posting this. Its things like this that remind us that the game of football, getting high prized recruits, beating OSU, are insignificant little specks of nothingness compared to what we really deal with in every day life. 

My fiance has a coworker who has lost her best friend and almost lost another all in the last month. Never take those close to you for granted. You never know when and if the day will come when you wake up and its all gone. 

My cousin passed away from the same thing, liver failure from too much drinking in college. And I totally agree, dont be afraid to speak up...I wish i had. He passed the same day as my wifes baby shower...i will never forget it.  He wasnt a cousin to me but a brother...life is tough, loved the ones you are with and dont take anything for granted. 

 

Stay up and remember the good times.  

I lost one my best friends a month before my wedding which he was in. Addiction is a bitch and I don't have the awnser on how to cure it. When dealing with death there is no right or wrong way to cope.. My suggestion is don't bottle it up and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. We all grieve in different ways. My friends and I joke and laugh at serious topics to cope... Hope you're ok fellow mgobloger.

My thoughts on this thread are mostly outside the scope of this board (note my occupation), so I have little helpful to add, though I have prayed for some of the people mentioned here. Death is a part of life, but it is also a universal source of grief and suffering for those who survive others. 

And it can be a part of the human experience that helps others find common ground with people very different than them, as I've seen here. I appreciate people sharing difficult stories here.

Darker Blue, I'm sorry at your great loss. Thank you for posting this. So many of the responses are tremendously touching.

I'm a pastor, and as such, I have been around death quite a bit. Still, I don't give much advice, but here is a little bit.

1. Everyone is different. We don't quite know how we'll deal with the death of someone until we get there, and even how we deal with the death of different people we are close to. My point is, we all need to be patient and compassionate with each other, and remember that there is no one right way to grieve, no right amount of time. Grieve the way you need to, and take the time you need to. And let other people do the same.
2. I really echo those who say, tell your friends that you love them. I'd expand this just a bit. Whether or not someone is struggling with depression or substance abuse, whether you are really close to them or just a friend, don't wait to share what's on your heart, and to ask questions, and to communicate something that needs to be communicated. I have seen too much sadness when people don't take the time to express something, whether to their parents, their children, their siblings, or others, and then that window closes. I think one of the biggest issues I've seen is when there is a broken relationship where there needs to be forgiveness and healing and reconciliation, and it is put off, and then it never happens. Sometimes, we need to get over ourselves and ask others to forgive us.
3. It has been said before that it is much harder to bury a child than a parent. I don't know that I agree. I've come to see that when you love someone, it doesn't matter how old they are. You love them, and you will miss them, no matter how old they are. But I will say, when you love someone, love them enough to let them go, and to die in peace, when it is time to die. I sometimes have seen the living hang on too fiercely to those who need permission to let go and to die. This is irrelevant to the original post, but it happens a bit too often. When a parent is at the end of their life, it is ok to say, "I love you so much, but when the time comes and you're ready to take the final journey, go in peace."

Thanks again for the original post. I heartily support this kind of thing going up.

EDIT:  A bit humorous and ironic that two of the pastors on the board posted back to back.

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know if there is really an answer or a best practice for dealing with loss. I sure don't know. you just have to let the pain happen and the scab cover it up and slowly heal.

As many have noted, there is not a linear formula for "handling" grief. There are stages that we all go through, cycle through, repeat, skip, etc but everyone handles it differently.

I am someone who finds solace through inward thought and contemplation. Going through true loss in my life taught me that even people like me need an outlet during the most difficult times. 

It doesn't matter who (family member, friend, co-worker, therapist), but I highly encourage everyone working through grief and loss to find their outlet. 

If you are not one for professional therapy and can not find an outlet, I encourge you to look into the Stephen Ministry program. It is a wonderful program to help people suffering through loss and grief. 

I'm not trying to push religious beliefs, simply wanting to share a resource for those who may need it and not be aware.

Within the family I've been fortunate in that there have been no unexpected losses. But the 2-year anniversary of my best friend's passing is a few weeks away. He was only 42. Cancer that had been in remission since his late 20s came back and took him within a month, leaving behind his 11 year old daughter and 8 year-old son. He had hired me at our cinpany, was my first boss and mentor, and became a true friend after helping me get my first promotion and transfer. One of those rare souls all people could instantly click with. We talked frequently as I moved again, sometimes commiserating about our work, sometimes just shooting the shit. Then his wife left him, and six months later our company laid him off. He had a difficult time finding another good job, and we didn't communicate as often as we used to. We'd normally grab a beer whenever I was back in Detroit at Christmas, but we couldn't make it work the last time, which I'll always regret. Last time I spoke with him was in March 2014, and he sounded healthy and had finally secured a great new job. Then I got an email from a colleague in early June reporting his sudden death. two weeks earlier. Had no idea he was even sick. Most of the time I can't believe I'm still at this damn company since practically every day something triggers a memory of better times and laughing with him. I choose to believe that wherever he is now, he knows how much he meant to me and how much I miss him. But it's always going to be a void, largely because I was never much good at making friends after college, and I'm garded by nature. in all honesty, the banter on this blog is probably necessary for my sanity. Wives and kids are one thing, but for a lot of guys there's a certain kind of loneliness that only other guys can truly understand. I'm not ashamed to admit that this place serves a useful social function for me. On the surface, yes, it's all about Michigan, sports, beer, etc...but underneath it's a repository for a uniquely 21st century humanity. And for that I'm eternally grateful.

I'm pushing 50 and I have been through my fair share of it. My best advice is to talk about it all regularly. Work it into conversations. You will be surprised at how many people have been through similar situations as you have, and it helps. Or at least, it has helped me.

To everyone going through pain and loss, I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't do justice from a stranger, I'm sure. But being a sufferer of severe anxiety I fear, every single day, a few times a day, the loss of someone I love. Or the loss of my own life. Since I was 16 I used prescription pain meds and alcohol to cope with my anxiety. I'm lucky to be alive today and my children are the main reason for that. They've saved my life. For those feeling you lack a purpose to live, you are not alone. Please, don't give up. Your life is more important than you will ever realize. If anyone of you need a friend or someone to talk to please email me at kaine_krites@outlook.com I wish nothing but peace and love for you all. Regardless of your religious beliefs, your loved ones are at peace where they rightfully deserve to be.

What a strange thing for me to see on here given what Im going through myself..

 

around a month ago my grandma passed away unexpectedly which has been tough for the whole family.  

 

Regarding the addictions your friend was battling im very sorry to hear that about him.  I've been dealing with my own addiction demons the last ten years ( im 28 ) and tomorrow until sunday I plan to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony down in kentucky at a church where its legal.  I had never really heard about ayahuasca until a few months ago.  Apparently its amazing from people battling addiction,  so im hoping it can heal me. 

 

Also if anyone hasnt heard about Ibogaine / Iboga for addictions or most mental illness's I urge you to do a quick google search on it.  Its curing the worst kinds of drug addicts after one session.  If anyone has any experience with ayahuasca or Iboga im sure it could be helpful for many others including me to hear about it.  I considered making it a topic but wasnt sure at the time but now maybe I will.

step. Not that you know us here on the blog from Adam there are a lot of good people here that will read what you write and respond. Like you said, typing it out seems to help. I'm sorry for your loss as well as those who knew him; 33 is way, way to young to die...

Very powerful stories here tonight. My condolences to all who have shared theirs. Today would have been my dad's 78th birthday. Lost him in 2011 and my mom just over a year ago. Thankfully, they were able to lead relatively full lives and experience all of the beautiful things - love, family, professional success and lots and lots of M victories. Best thing any of us can do is continue to lead our lives the way loved ones would have wanted. My advice is take advantage of family and friends - lean on them in times of need. This community we have here is also a wonderful way to share, learn and remember. I believe I posted after both of my parents passed - first games played were the sugar bowl win after dad and a basketball upset of OSU after mom (she hated buckeyes).

Heartfelt condolences to everyone, man, hard to keep it together reading these.
From a grumpy dude, ill be nicer this weekend and be sure to tell people i love them. Never know how long theyll be here.

Thanks for sharing your heart on this issue. I appreciate your transparency.

I'm so sorry for your loss.