OT- Sexual Abuse, and reactions to it. My experience.

Submitted by contra mundum on

I was 9 years old. My father was stationed at Kincheloe AFB in Kinross, MI just south of Sault Ste. Marie. As military vagabonds, my parents had to rely on locals to watch my older brother and I if they needed or wanted to go somewhere that we could not. It was 1970. 

Jim, was a local airmen who volunteered his services as a sitter. Mom and dad had hired more than one over the course of our six years there. Jim no more often that the other two guys who used to watch us if my parents where Christmas shopping or going out to eat, or watching a movie. But Jim took a "special" interest in me. He would at times show up unannounced at my baseball games or drop by the house. I assume he left my brother alone because he was older by 5 years and more likely to tell my parents. Who really knows. 

Eventually, I told my parents what was happening. Thank God they believed me. Shortly after, Jim was ushered out of the Air Force. I have no idea what happened to him. I have no idea how many other victims he left at Kincheloe. At one point, he was let back on base by accident and he came to our house and tried to take me to baseball practice. My dad met him with a deer rifle in hand. 

My real point here is not so much to share the story, as it is to try to explain the different ways people react to these situations. I never felt traumatized. I have led a very normal and productive life, free from demons. I can't say how I would have reacted had my parents believed Jim instead of me. If the abuse had been allowed to continue and worsen. I hope Jim has long ago been locked away, but I don't really know. I can't imagine he ever stopped, unless forced to. I have had conversations with my parents about it. I do not blame them. They were doing the best they could in akward/difficult situations during a time when this kind of behavior was nealry always hidden away. 

So please, when you read about all these people who's reactions run the gamut of emotion, I hope this helps you to try to understand. Different people react differently. 

I will now return to lurking. 

 

Plankton

February 2nd, 2018 at 12:33 PM ^

Sorry you had that experience. It is amazing how many people this has affected. Here’s hoping you continue to experience peace in what could have led to much worse.

cbutter

February 2nd, 2018 at 12:44 PM ^

It is truly amazing how this can happen right in front of our faces and we don't even realize it. Found out a few months ago that one of my wife's coaches in college as well as a teammate were both sexually assaulted by their own father for years. It just now came out, years later, and he is finally going to prison for it. I don't think anyone could ever imagine a father doing something like this to his own daughter, but this is why we can never stop talking about it as uncomfortable as it may be to do so. 

Thank you for sharing your story contra.

AMazinBlue

February 2nd, 2018 at 12:47 PM ^

reserved for those that prey on children and younger women.  It seems that section is growing faster than ever before.

Maybe it's the social media era or the bravery of those abused, but ridding of the world of those bastards can't come soon enough, not to mention their enablers.

chrisu

February 2nd, 2018 at 4:11 PM ^

As a believer (and I know many who aren't and that's fine), I can say that even people as broken as Nassar deserve redemption. I hope all his victims - those known and unknown - grow to a place where they can forgive him because then they will be in a very, very good place within themselves, and stronger than they likely thought they could be. 

I have three of the most important women in my life with experience being abused in very different ways. I used to think the same as you. I grew to a place where I could forgive one of them face to face. That man was my best friend when we were young, and it took me some 35 years to get to a place where I was strong enough to forgive him. I am much better for it, but to see him visibly change when I offered it to him was even more powerful than I can put into words. I SAW him heal.

I am a believer, and I know not everyone believes what I believe. As the OP shared a persepctive, I am sharing one as well. Nobody deserves Hell, unless they are never willing to accept they can be redeemed. 

...and to the OP - well said. 

 

SoDak Blues

February 2nd, 2018 at 12:59 PM ^

You are a strong man contra. Appreciate the insight you have shared, and glad you have had a "normal" life in the wake of something so horrible. Also, agree with Richard Kimball, don't go back to lurking!

Farnn

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:05 PM ^

One other important item to take from this is how often abusers are people you know and your parents trust. The risks of "stranger danger" are much lower than we are led to believe by the media. The large majority of abuse cases are by family friends or relatives.

74polSKA

February 2nd, 2018 at 2:24 PM ^

Very true. I was abused by someone in my dad's bowling league. I have a feeling I know who it was, but I've blocked out the face probably out of self preservation. I was also repeatedly beaten up by my babysitter's older son, which my mom refused to believe until he finally gave me a black eye (to answer the OP's question, it sucks when your parents don't believe you). A different babysitter whipped me and basically told me men were evil, but her dad was her grandpa so she was sorting through her own issues. My dad was also at the least inappropriate and I don't want to imagine what the worst case could have been with my older daughter while he was supposed to be helping my wife on bed rest with my younger daughter. Now I don't trust him even in a room alone with them, which simultaneously breaks my heart and pisses me off. Unfortunately, I could go on. So yeah, don't trust people you should be able to trust with your kids.

jabberwock

February 2nd, 2018 at 3:13 PM ^

I'm sorry that happened to you & your family, and your situation obviously affects your concept of trust;  But your last line got me thinking 

Maybe responding to your post isn't the perfect place & I apologize if it isn't but:

It seems that to grow up to be hopefully something less than a sociopath, you have to learn to trust.  I mean we as a society have swung so far into "stranger danger" land that nobody gives a shit about anybody and no-one trusts anybody anymore already.  This is exacerbated by horrific news stories and reports of supposedly responsible people actually being monsters.

But most people (in fact almost everyone) isn't like that.  They are just decent people who are probably a bit to self absorbed to give a shit, but thats about it.

I have 3 kids, and worry about their well being 24/7.  But I realize that they will never become funtioning, happy adults unless they learn how to meet people, get to know them, and trust the insticts I'm trying to develop in them.  And when I say strangers I'm talking about neighbors, distant cousins, coaches, etc.  Yes, there could be a predator among them, but the chances are slim, and even slimmer if you're cautious, listen to what your kids say, and you trust each other first.  And yes, it could still be a close family member, but honestly thats almost impossible to predict.

I hear a lot about never trusting/leaving your kids with anyone anymore, and I appreciate the sentiment, but it's not based in reality.  You have to let your kid get babysat, go on a camping trip, have a sports lesson, whatever.  Minimize those risks to your child (and your psyche) as much as possible, but don't lock your kids away from the world, they will suffer in other ways for it.

Kevin13

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:21 PM ^

and glad you have been able to live a productive life. Your right unless you have been affected directly by something like this you never know how you might react, we all just need to be sympathetic and offer support whenever we can.

LSAClassOf2000

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:30 PM ^

This is probably one of the single most meaningful posts we've had in ages around here, and thank you for sharing an incredibly difficult experience with us to provide some additional perspective.

Feel free to hop in on any discussion anytime. Again, thank you.

 

Dennis

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:33 PM ^

My mother would sometimes engage in prostitution and at one point a John was waiting with me on the couch, watching cartoons and touched me inappropriately. It happened again multiple times. He would show up early when he knew my mom was "busy". He overdosed several months later. I felt happy he was dead and it doesn't really bother me what happened. Nothing I had much control over.

Dennis

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:49 PM ^

I was soon after adopted by a former Marine who was my current age (27) when he took responsibility for me merely because he met me and thought I deserved better. He's the greatest man I've ever met. We rode away in the "monster truck" (it was just a jacked up Ford, but to a 7 year old it was huge, lol) and I never looked back. I'm very lucky.

Soulfire21

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:37 PM ^

Thanks for sharing your story. I can only speculate here, but I think we really need to focus on teaching children how to know what constitutes abuse and how to report it. It seems like younger children can be easily tricked into thinking abusive behavior committed against them is actually normal, especially given we tend to reinforce older people as authorities that we should listen to.

Son of THE PAR…

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:38 PM ^

Great post - you really put a good perspective on it

It's really nice you had such a good relationship with your parents - many victims do not seem to have that

Thanks for sharing your experience

 

darkstar

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:45 PM ^

Sometime in the last 13-14 years my best friend called me later one evening. I was actually in bed but got up for some reason - insomnia probably or else I would have never taken the call. He's normally pretty together but this time he was pretty emotional.  He had gone through a lot of bad stuff in his life - mom & 2 uncles died of same type of cancer, dad left the family when he was young - but I had been there throughout for him even after he moved to a new city.  I made a point of staying in touch with him on a regular basis and went to see him frequently.  He kept it together through all of that but this time it felt different.

He proceeded to tell me about when his parents would take him to their friend's house and their older son.  Happened on more than one occasion and he was too young to say or do anything about it.  I was the first friend he told this to.  It definitely affected him throughout his life and relationships to this day sometimes in not good ways.  But I honestly don't know too many people that are as strong as he is to have gone through what he has in his life.  

So OP thanks for sharing your story too because this happens a lot more than people probably think.  Really good to hear that you have been able to cope with it as well as you have.

P.S. He told me the guy's name and I did figure out where he lives now. Didn't do anything but the temptation has always been there.  

B-Nut-GoBlue

February 2nd, 2018 at 3:32 PM ^

Here's the thing, and this isn't meant to truly burden you, but what if that guy continued assaulting people and...maybe still is?!

It's such a tough and delicate thing to deal with, even in this day in age.

Sportanut0782

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:46 PM ^

when you experience this stuff as a kid and then have it happen again as an adult. I pray everyday for these women and their families. I hope they have the strength and support during those real tough days because unfortunately there going to come.

Michifornia

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:52 PM ^

It's a crappy world out there.  I have four kids and hearing about the nassars of the world is pretty terrifying.  Hopefully, more people will stop the evil ones before the damage is done.  Thanks for sharing.

conradb42

February 2nd, 2018 at 1:57 PM ^

Thank you for sharing so articulately. This post is extremely sobering for someone who has had a safe and priviledged upbringing.

As a father of 4, it really enforces the importance of having these discussions. I hope to raise my children to be as strong as OP with the ability and awareness to come to me with issues big or small.

Thank you again.

SonOfAnAlumnus

February 2nd, 2018 at 5:04 PM ^

I am in the same situation as you. Very protected childhood and raising 3 boys with a girl due in April. I have had conversations with my oldest boys, (5-year-old twins) and hope and pray that they communicate if anything of this sort happens to them. My wife and I are as vigilant as we can be without being too overprotective. If I get blamed for being too overprotective, I can live with that though.

theguy49503

February 2nd, 2018 at 2:06 PM ^

Thank you for your courage and sorry for your experience. I work in education but spent some time as a case manager, and it is shocking how many children (boys to be exact) have experienced violation

soniktoothe

February 2nd, 2018 at 3:06 PM ^

Thank you for sharing.  My wife is a survivor from early childhood trauma.  She has done okay and is not addicted to drugs or alcohol. But, stories like yours and hers, show that there is no "one size fits all" in these situations. It is a great reminder that stories like this are far too common. 

Somtimes we so quickly judge those that we are acquainted with in our day to day lives.  It can be easy to assume the worst in people.  But, if we knew their whole story we would be impressed with all they have accomplished even if it was just getting out of bed.

/steps off soap-box

VoiceOReason

February 2nd, 2018 at 3:08 PM ^

Thank you OP and commenters for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to not do anything unless we see "blatent" evidence of child abuse (don't want to falsely accuse others, but also don't want to confront the reality and have it affect our own world), but the MSU abuse situation shows us that not listening to our instincts and not taking children's words seriously enough is how abuse perpetuates. 

I Hate Buckeyes

February 2nd, 2018 at 3:57 PM ^

My best friend from childhood went through it at a young age from his step father. When we were in 10th grade he took his own life and I still have a hard time with it to this day. We were on every sports team together from the age of 7 on up. It's been 25 years since he has passed and I never know what to do or say around the anniversary of his death. When I see cases like these on tv or read them on the internet, it just brings me back to a horrible time in my life. I have 3 children with one of those children in college. I can't imagine my son or daughter going through this because I would be the dad I saw today on tv.

FatGuyTouchdown

February 2nd, 2018 at 4:25 PM ^

I was raped by a woman. We went back to her apartment after drinking, and she told me in no uncertain terms if I didn't have sex with her, she would tell the police I raped her. I didn't know whether or not she was bluffing, but I wasn't going to take that chance. It happens far more often than most people know, and a good amount of men are victims and don't talk about it. I urge anyone that is a victim of sexual abuse to find someone to talk to. Had I not, I truly believe I would've drank myself to death.

Blueblood80

February 2nd, 2018 at 5:59 PM ^

I get it that men are stereotyped for being the abusers. Your story provides a great point that women can be just as dangerous as men. Maybe even more dangerous since they can fly under the radar. Look, I love women as much as the other guy but man can they be down right evil. The manipulation they have at their disposal makes it all the more worse IMO.

FatGuyTouchdown

February 3rd, 2018 at 11:18 AM ^

you should take anything away from my experience except "abusers can come in any shape and are manipulative". I don't think me experience has any indictment on women as a whole, and some of the people who helped my recovery the most were women. I don't think any type of sexual abuse or manipulation is worse than others, so I certainly disagree with yout point.

MGoBrewMom

February 2nd, 2018 at 6:22 PM ^

for sharing your experience and your reaction. I totally believe that everyone has a different story and a different reaction. Thank you for sharing your story and the gift to us of perspective.
Peace.

Wendyk5

February 2nd, 2018 at 6:52 PM ^

I mentioned in another thread that my brother-in-law was sexually abused when he was 12. The circumstances around it are still mysterious, at least to me and my husband. I can tell you that he is an alcoholic and almost died when he blacked out and fell down the stairs, rupturing his spleen. He is angry a lot of the time, and has a difficult relationship with his own son. Glad the OP escaped unscathed; the effects can be insidious and last a lifetime.